Lou- Lou, a mobster that just finished a job down the street, sits in his chair in his small one-bedroom apartment swatting flies.
- As Lou polishes and slips his gun into his holder, Police lights shine through the open window.
- Lou prepares to make his last stand and walks to the window where 6 or 7 violin cases are stacked and peaks out past the curtain.
- Lou reaches to open a case, but hesitates and choses another that contains a violin.
- The crackle of a megaphone telling him that "this is it" sounds as Lou starts to play the violin beautifully.
- The music elevates and Lou plays even more vigorously until the strings break.
- A rustle of bullets outside the window are heard as the credits begin to roll.
I revised my story and surprising enough it has nothing to do with a toothbrush. I feel that this story is a bit stronger, and as always crits are welcome. The model sheet is an early version of my character, but i still have a lot of work to do before I really figure him out.
2 comments:
Hey Wayne,
I think the story is pretty good. I don't know what to say to improve it at the moment. However; I do like your model sheet, by the way, thanks for outdoing everyone else and making very cool professional looking model sheet. Guess I'll have to step it up a noch.
Anyway, I have to say I love this character you created, but I just don't feel like he is a mobster at all. He is totally dressed in the right clothes and everything but there isn't any toughness about him at all. He needs an edgy bad guy feel, especially if you are intending to surprise the audience with the fact that he plays the violin really well ( a talent not associated with his profession). I think the reaction will be much better if you push the visuals more. He doesn't have to be fat like most mobsters in film, but maybe a little thicker, with a tight neck that shows vains protruding a little it. Or it could even be in some of the expression. Right now he looks a little innocent and more like a violin player than a mobster.
Anyway, that is my suggestion on the character.
Wayne this story is good until #6 and it seemed to me that when you were working with the notion of a story like this it was more of an ending rather then a full beginning, middle, and end. For number six i think that the best way for you to have this segment work out is keep the idea of the music playing the background. This will work well with what you want but when working use something that can give the audience something to go for and something that they can get the whole story from. Something like a television. This would help because you can switch back and forth from the TV and the character and work with a nice camera sequence that helps illustrate what you want by setting the mood. So the audience will see that you have created the ending as the piece of film that you want to show and the beginning, middle and end it all in one short easy segment that won't leave the audience questioning your character motives. Finally for number seven when you are going on talking about the idea that the film ends with this high note. That's good, just when ending it on a high note really focus on the music and how at this right moment we see the last sing being strung so to speak and show the characters face for this last part. maybe a tear would be good also maybe a closing of the eyes that gives this notion of no regret or that he is scared of dieing or something that gives the audience the notion that this is the high point and this is the end. Then cut to a black screen and with the sound of not dozens of guns firing just focus on one shot breaking the glass and hitting its mark. This will help you a lot I think when working on your story. Here is a link that i think you should watch that will help you with this notice that you want a dramatic scene without focusing to much on the character saving yourself some animation time.
Link
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv5ybRRz-vk
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